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punkwhiz555
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Name: Estelle
Country: United States
State: Maryland
Metro: Baltimore
Gender: Female
Interests: Lots and lots of things!!!=) like stories, poetry, imagery, manga, animes, korean cult, drama club. working at concerts, and much more!
Expertise: Art, drawing, designing, and a little bits of martial arts.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Engineering, pharmaceuticals,
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  faithfulwind5
Member Since:
4/19/2003
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| I realized that I'm not going to live long...or at least my present existence won't be around too long. I will always change either with every moments or over an extension of months or years. I realized that those moments will be gone and because of my fear of cameras....I will never see how much I have grown up since that moment. No pictures of me when I was struggling in school that I can look back to say that it was all worth it.
I think....no I won't think about the judgment that my pictures will cause and I won't think about how my skin crawls and every part of my muscle stiffens and freaks. I especially won't think about my position, count of every breathing....and at the most important part...I won't hate myself. I will love myself and I will smile as carelessly as I can. I won't hate my pictures and i will embrace my surroundings.
So let's hold onto the moment...and just let me be free from the fear. It may be hard but I want to be free.
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| No matter how different I was trying to read it, I can't help but to always find new things about Harry Potter. I'm so nerdy but i can read those books for a life time >.< lol.
So lately I finally crashed, work school work school work school and finally everything else. So I went ballistic and me being kept from coffee did not help at all -.-
It made me even more cranky!!!! GARGH!!!
Guhjeezhus!
But yes. -.- I need to calm down though. School , work, and extra projects are tearing me apart but it doesn't mean that if I work at it then it can't be organized. So I need to calm down and organize. Yep yep!
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| I felt like last night was a dream. My parents were moving to a different county because of their business. They had to drive 4 hours a day to just go back and forth. So I couldn't help but toss and turn on the fact that they will be so far away and if anything happened to them, it will take me 2 hours to get there to be by their side. Also the fact the my little brother Eric had a whole year of high school left and that he had to adjust again. So a solution came to me....Move into the house they have now. the house if old and run down but if I live there and maintained the house and took care of my brother then we can repair it so it can be in a higher value when ti goes back in the market.
So last night, Kevin and I approached my parents. Lots of hugs and I was always in a verge of tearing up.Last night was their last night before selling their old business....the buyer got the better end of the deal there. Saying goodbye to the place I loathed and loved was hard. So Kevin was so nice and helped them move their stuff out. And we all went out for dinner....it really felt like a dream last night. We were all their...smiling and laughing. My Korean came back and I was scared it will be so hard because I have been unable to use it for so long.
But it truly was a dream last night....and apparently my parents had the same thoughts in their heads...for me to take my brother with me. I was suprised that we were in the same page as we usually were not because I was always so hard headed, stubborn, and defiant. I also always felt so depressed and ashamed for always being that way...a child in an adult body. So at the end...I gave them my number and my work number. I also gave them my word to take care of Eric. I know it will be hard but I will do my best. I love my mum and dad. I love Kevin. I love eric. i will do everything to keep them happy.
~Era
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| I haven't been here in a long time and I just couldn't really find the time too. Life would hit me with a 2 ton of craziness and randomness and it took me awhile to organize all those craziness out. Moved out of the house. Stopped talking to my biological mother. Working on my new job. Living with my boyfriend. Studying like craziness. and dealing with panic attacks and anxiety.
So it all started with college. As I mentioned before, it didn't go well. When I got there, I just wanted to be numb and I felt really lonely. Then that quicksand hit me like a lightning bolt. I was unable to get out of the depression that I called "the quicksand". It's fast acting and more you struggle, the more you sink into it. Slowly it binds my legs and then my arms go numb. My neck is constricted and then the sand sucks me up to my eyes...then all I can do is watch. I've never been completely engulfed into this quicksand but this was the deepest I have been in....Just my eyes being active and watching. I was unable to move and go to class. I will sometime wonder in and take the exam for that class...pass but I won't show up for the finals. I failed every class and half the time, a good handful of professors would call, email, or approach me and asked me where I was or why I gave up.
I just ignore them...unable to speak. Sometimes I would just lay in bed and I will be unable to move. I couldn't get up and associate myself with anyone. At odds and ends, I would go on random road trips or would just go to work all the time. Just never stopping or even truly continuing. I was in that state of mind where I couldn't I wasn't really there.
So I left school and moved out on my own....then i got ripped off by my roommates and stole money from me. I was kicked out and i was about to move again but then Kevin asked me to move in with him. I looked at him and wondered if I dared to take a leap for it. We've been together for about a year and he was my second boyfriend. I wanted to leap and be in the safe zone with him but it also felt dangerous to me at the time. I felt like if I got too close then i could hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him but ....something told me that his hand would pull me out of my quicksand.
So I started living with him in his parent's home. His parents were wonderful and I saw how open their communication is between them and Kevin....a communication that I was envious of because it lacked between me and my parents. I wanted to have that communication but, I lost their trust because of the recent event at school. I also made a friend with a new family member name Milo. He's a mix of chihuaha, pug, and something else...i think pomeranian.  Here he is!!!!
So I've also quit my job and found a different one. I quit the job by crying and making a scene of myself. I was juts mad because the corporation gave me no room to actually help. The new job is at Johns Hopkins Hospital and i felt so many support and happiness there. Kevin also makes me so happy. He changed my heart and put me at ease. I also started school, because I felt like I can do it....even though at first I felt really uneasy and wondered if the quicksand was waiting for me again. So far, I'm alive and there were fewer incidents with the quicksand. I did now develop panic attacks and I tend to scratch myself to death because of anxiety but it slowly stopped after I start understanding where it was all coming from.
So now I'm at a cross point and I hope that it goes well. I'm trying to move out and move in with my little brother and bring kevin with me. Kyah XD
So wish me luck!
Mwuahz and squeeumz!
P.S. I want a ducati munstro so bad! Xo
 ME!
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..::tALk::..
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